Kyla: Well there hasn’t been a new episode since I’ve been home, I don’t think. But yes I have seen all other episodes.  And it is honestly probably my favorite show of all time now.  I love it like it’s my child.

Alex: I want to be Leslie Knope.  She is my ultimate role model.

Kyla: She is humanity’s role model.  The human being’s role model.  Greendale’s mascot should just be Leslie Knope.

Alex: That would be fucking epic.  You, friend, are a genius.

Kyla: No, Leslie Knope is a genius.

Alex: Can we agree to disagree and say that we are all geniuses but Leslie Knope is better?

Yes, yes we can.

why have so many people watched this video?

ali’s here.

OXFORD, MOFOS

scottish-ness is going well. This past weekend I went down to OXFORD to go see my dear Alicat and so that was really chill. We have this thing called reading week that happens at midterm, and it’s just like a week of doing work with no classes. Everyone from dartmouth finished their work relatively early so that we could go on adventures. My adventure was to travel on a night bus 8 hours to get to london, and then take a bus from london to oxford, and hangout with ali. I get so nervous while traveling that it was really tough, but I did it! I made all of my connections and didn’t get mugged or stabbed or beaten. Whilst in Oxford, Ali and I saw a play that was ridiculous, I made dinner for her (ricotta gnocchi), and I SAW EMMA WATSON! They go to the same college, so it wasn’t so surprising that she was there, but chill nonetheless.

we also made halloween cupcakes that were soooo good. like maja good. salted chocolate peanut butter filled cuppies. so good. then we hung out with these freshers (their word for freshman) until like 3 am and it was funny for me because it was the longest period of time I’ve spent with students from the UK since arriving. The Dartmouth bubble extends  across the atlantic, donchaknow? I CAN NEVER BE SURE WITH THESE THINGS. The next day, I took the oxford tube back to London and hung out with Mia’s favorite girl, Rachel Sands for a couple hours before my bus left. She told me that she saw the note that Mia left on Mojo’s door before Mojo did and so she took it off. Mia and her hate each other lmao.

First time our cupcakes looked good AND tasted good

It was just really chill and I was really proud of myself for being brave and going on a trip by myself. pushing myself to the limit, you know how I do! In celebration, I’ve been listening to a lot of Kanye cause he’s been rocking that dynasty sign . While on the bus, I listened to the Radio Dept. because it’s good music for zoning out babies crying and such.

Sleeping arrangements

Eli was here last weekend, so being on top of things and a good hostess took a lot out of me. I always am so exhausted after my friends have come to visit me, and it’s even more so in a town that we’re both unfamiliar with. We had such a good time together, and I think the mix of being able to see her last weekend and having 72 hours of alone time will allow me to act like a normal human being again. There’s something completely perfect about being by myself.  I can’t wait to visit her in Edinburgh, though! It’s really cheap to visit her there, lol.

maaah bia making mashed cauliflower and turnips

I just got a blitz yesterday that said I’ve been appointed chair of the Polar Bear Swim again, which is pretty sweet. I like planning that shiz.

Finally, I’ve worked my way through a jar of honey, which I guess is better than a jar of nutella. Good Lord, I love me some honey.

talking very angrily to nobody in particular

Last week, we headed over to sugarcube (the club) for the second time, and had a great time dancing the night away and seeing many kind gentlemen. interestingly enough, there is no grinding and the young ladies are in the habit of slathering themselves with makeup. So, of course we made spectacles of ourselves and had an overall really chill time.

We stayed overnight at a hostel in Loch Lomond.

It was pretty boring and everyone else climbed a mountain while we hung back. There wasn’t a lot to do, but at least it was gorgeous and SCOTLAND.

Also, I perfected my secret sauce recipe for marinara and made a delicious meal of gnocchi and glazed carrots AAAW YEAH

So yesterday was a fun-filled day, and I mean that in a somewhat unconvincing way. Joy and Tova and I walked to the city center of Glasgow, a truly magical place where the h&m and topshop reside. a place where your most magical dreams can come true! Well, kinda. We walked there instead of taking the subway like we normally do, and on the way got to explore entire new parts of Glasgow’s West Side (the fancy side). I was excited because I had completely run out of cash and needed to go to Barclays Bank to rectify that situation. Now, the day before I was taken aback by the fact that my debit card did not work at the Post Office, but I thought there was no better place in the world for me to figure out what was wrong than Barclays!

During the course of our two hour journey (mostly because we were shooting the shit a lot) we had fish and chips, I got a new towel, and we saw many street performers. With a hopeful heart, I approached the Barclay’s atm, desiring to get out 100 pounds sterling, but when I put my card in, the machine told me that it could not read it. I tried the card at two other machines, and went inside to ask Barclay’s for assistance, but nothing could help me in this situation. The Banker-man told me that Barclays and Bank of America have a relationship that goes so far as using atms, but not helping customers in dire need. So I spent the rest of our excursion feeling very worried about my own personal monetary situation (PMS) and as soon as we got home, I frantically called my mom.

After talking on the phone with her and Bank of America and then Visa for several hours, it was finally resolved that they would send me a replacement card. Hopefully this happens with posthaste because otherwise i’m somewhat fucked. not completely, though, because my dad got me this currency card which is kind of like a debit card and i want to use it to its full potential, except that when i was trying to sign into the account last night, i got so flustered that i couldn’t enter the log-in information correctly and the account locked me out. now i can’t get back in until my dad tells them the magic words, which he told me he won’t do until the morning (today).

blegh. it’s just very unnerving not to have any money at one’s disposal.

anyways–eli came to stay last night. she’s kind of a fugitive because i never turned in the form that said she was coming to stay…whoops. don’t tell marten, our uga!! also, joy and tova and I made gnocchi last night! like we literally made the little potato balls! and i made my secret marinara sauce that always gets rave reviews.

Yesterday, Eli and I wandered around in the rain after finally leaving the room at 3 pm and went shopping at h&m! they kinda closed the store on us…we found a fish & chips restaurant that was amazing, and rode on the underground! it’s annoying that she had to see the town looking so gloomy and grim, but when she saw Waitrose, her depression turned to beautiful envy. WHERE ELSE IS THERE GOOSEFAT? WHERE ELSE?

Today, Eli and I made delicious challah bread and ox tail stew, which brought smiles and happiness to all who ate it. Also, no one believed me that I could read all over Oliver Twist before class. I started at 9 pm, and I’m like less than 100 pages till the end (It was 12:15 when I stopped reading). Class is at 3 pm tomorrow. Everyone can go f themselves in the a for having doubts in my abilities. Thank God Eli was there to witness this or else it would seem to be unbelievable. I’ll post pictures of our delicious food adventures…later.

On Wednesday, we were super excited to go to a Pub Trivia night because the prize was 500 pounds (about $800 american!!)  so we thought our big Dartmouth-educated brains could defeat the puny quiz. However, a lot of stuff was sex-related or just random facts, so the IRN-BROS were unsuccessful!

A couple of us went to get some dim sum today, and on the way over i think that I saw an actual BANKSY!! Also, the dim sum was really good, so that was chill, too. We kind of had to walk through the sketch parts of the West End, and I noted, “If you guys think this is sketch, imagine what it’s like to be out of West End!!”

We went on our fantastic “excursion” to the Burn, a big mansion designed for students to stay in and learn about scottish culture. We traveled to two castles, one on the edge of the ocean, and one in the middle of farmland, both of which were COVERED in pigeons and their shit. They were GORGEOUS and the food at the Burn was DELICIOUS and we watched braveheart and bonded and hung out with cows. i have more pictures, but they’re on facebook and that would be obnoxious to upload them all.

Most importantly, we were given packed lunches for when we went out to the castles, and the food inside was questionable at best (think mayonnaise, mayonnaise, and more mayonnaise), but the best person (thing?) we discovered was Panda Juice. I guess they give it to kids? It tasted like Satan’s tears flavored with all the sadness in the world, and there is way to much sugar for any normal human to ingest with bizarre flavors, like my black current. the best part about it was the Panda on the front, with sunglasses, a peace-sign necklace, a nonsensical asian tattoo symbol, a bellybutton ring, and a bracelet. Basically, this panda is a 25 year old from the 90s. We decided his name is Sean (or Brad). Both good strong names.

AND FINALLY:

I feel like this picture speaks for itself.

until next time,

Alex

I’m all up in scotland this term, and this shiz is going doooooown.

I’m not going to keep track of all of the drinking or craziness that will not be going on here because MY PRIVACY IS IMPORTANT but I will give you all the other nittygritty details,  like we don’t know if tampons have applicators.

it’s been three long days. rushing to the plane, being confused, unable to contact my family, using run-on sentences, etc.

the fuse keeps on blowing out on my floor so that’s really lame cause we don’t have electricity. we make dinner so that’s chill. orientation is boring, but at least us dartmouth students are together aaaaw yeah.

i wish i could be more specific, but i is tired and they ain’t no electricty here. don’t want to waste my battery.

I WUV EVERYONE AND I HOPE YOUR DAYS ARE ENERGY FILLED!

-alex

A/N: I cannot believe that Mark Twain not only read our story, but left a review! And not only did he leave a review, but he left a GOOD review! So, we have tried extra hard to make this chapter absolutely perfect. Mark, this one’s for you.

A/N: Here is a small piece of advice. If you’re thinking about starting a fanfiction, wait until after midterms, or finals, or whatever you have going on at this time of year. If you have nothing going on, then hats off to you, dear readers, and I expect you to be even more dedicated to reading this story than we are to writing it. Not to say we aren’t dedicated, because we are. That’s the point. We (or at least I) are (if it’s just I, then this word would be “am”) spending too much time writing this when there are exams to study for, essays to write, and research paper topics to research. However, in two weeks, midterms will be over, second semester completed, mid-year reports will be sent to colleges, and the seniors of ’09 can finally sit back, pop in a DVD of Arrested Development, sip a cup of tea, and breathe. And oh, yes. Write fanfiction.

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. Midterms are stupid and time consuming. It is harder than it seems to study everything from French to fascism, tables to Tudors, and Catch-22 to calculus all in a week. But we got through it, the midyear reports will be sent shortly, and we can enjoy a little peace before April 1st comes around and college admissions decisions take over our lives. So until then, enjoy! And please review, we love it when people review.

^I like the alliteration there

A/N: Last night we had a dinner party with lots of homemade Indian food and cheesecake, and afterwards Alex and I, plus the other third of our soul, Alison, came up with some really cool, twisted plotlines. One of them begins in this chapter, which Alex wrote in record time. Yayayay! There is much more fun coming, so keep tuning in!  A note to our lovely reviewer, Campanula1979: thank you. You are our hero as well.

Disclaimer: I guess it’s about time that we included one of these. Even though I think disclaimers are pointless for a fanfiction site where the entire site revolves around plagiarism, we do reference many other works in La Marseillaise besides Harry Potter, so we should probably disclaim our ownership of all that material. See if you can catch all the outside references- it’s fun!

A/N: Alex and I wrote this chapter in our respective houses, in the computer lab at our school, and on our friend’s mactop (better than a macbook) after baking 50,000 cupcakes. One bit was written in the gutter, guess which part. (No, in all seriousness, we forget which one. We may have been intoxicated at the time. Or not, because we are extremely pure high school seniors. Seriously, it is Friday night and we baked cupcakes. That’s how pure we are.) Please read and review!

A/N: I had a burrito with black beans and sweet potatoes for lunch. And no, it was not from Qdoba. But yes, it was delicious.

A/N: You know how J.K Rowling had the epilogue written out way before she finished all the books? She knew what everything she had previously written was leading up to, which I think increased the strength of her writing. Well, this isn’t the epilogue of our story, but we have had it written out FOREVER. Basically since we started the story, actually. Only a few changes have been made to it, but nothing significant. Oh, except for in the original version, Harry turned into a woman. We scrapped that idea in the beginning.

And Alison, I hope this chapter is more to your liking. We made sure to leave out the reproduction just for you.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to our best friend, Alison, because today is her 18th birthday. Happy birthday, and go buy some porn!

A/N Part 2: So we’re really glad and all that Mark Twain, Michael Flatley, and Campanula like our story, but right now no one else is reviewing. Honestly reviews help a lot, whether they’re constructive or just positive reinforcement. So, even though this is a parody and we’ll probably continue to write whatever we want despite what people say, we are also open to critique and suggestions. Bascially, please review because we do a little dance every time we get a new one, and dancing is fun.

Disclaimer: This is in reference to all previous, current, and future chapters. We do not own Harry Potter (duh, this is a fan fiction site), Twilight, His Dark Materials, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, JakeandAmir, or any of the other things we allude to for fun. That’s kind of the point of a parody fic. Enjoy!

A/N: Since our plea for reviews in the last chapter sort of worked, we’re going to stick with it. PLEASE REVIEW! And thanks to those who did
Note to Alex: I don’t know why I can’t just write normally for this chapter, but this way is fun.
Note to Kyla: Did you see the stuff I wrote? It’s mental. Stephen’s story is…well…not normal. You’re in good company.

Disclaimer: Can you guess what we’re about to say? I’ll give you three sets of ellipses to come up with an answer. … … … You guess it! We do not own Harry Potter! Wow, who’d a thunk it? And Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and College Humor are also not in our possession. Darn.

Disclaimer: We are clearly not talented enough to come up with our own material and back-story for fiction writing, so we have to use someone else’s. In this case, that someone would be JK Rowling. And Philip Pullman. And James Joyce. And I guess a bit of Dan Brown. BOOM, ROASTED!

A/N: We just want to clarify something: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a parody fiction. We’ve come up with the general plotline on our own, but sometimes we like to reference parts of other stories, such as Twilight, because we like to poke fun at it. It’s not because we can’t think of our own material, that’s just what parodies do.

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, His Dark Materials, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, The Hollow Men, Jake and Amir, The Stranger, Anne of Green Gables, Twilight, or Flight of the Conchords. Unfortunately, we are not creative enough to come up with our own silliness.

^I like how these last two were contradictory.  They came from the same chapter. “It’s not because we can’t think of our own material,” and yet “we are not creative enough to come up with our own silliness.”

A/N: So yeah, it’s been a while. But we hope you guys are still interested in La Marseillaise, because we certainly are! Even if we don’t know quite what’s going on… But since we’re both leaving for college soon we want to try to get this story finished before the end of summer, so stay tuned! And please review!

Disclaimer: We own everything in this story. Just kidding, that’s not true. Replace “everything” with “nothing,” and then you might have a true statement.

A/N: Yeah, we haven’t updated in a while, but guess what? We’re in college now, so deal with it. LOVE YOU ALL! (especially if you review)

Disclaimer: We don’t own it, bitches!

A/N: Hey readers, this is almost the last chapter, which means that La Marseillaise is coming to a close! But don’t you fret! The end of La Marseillaise does not mean the end of us! Keep a lookout for our next fic because it’s going to be awesome. We have no idea when the first chapter will be up, but stay on the edge of your seats because it will be great.

^Yeah… this still hasn’t happened.

Also, the last word is scar. Yes, we’re one-upping J.K, but don’t be too hard on her. Her scar was close to the end, after all.

Disclaimer: If you actually think that we own this stuff, you are seriously uneducated.

Henceforth forthwithstanding, in light of the serious moral and ethical issue/state of our country, we shall from this point forward (forthstanding) and forewithall never again use profanity, expletives, “eff” or “jeff,” or any such combination of sin-filled word-phrases–including but not limited to f*ckgardiumlevishi**, cu*t, c*abapples, ch**********t, and/or KyKy–to protect the delicate ears of our children and their children and many children across space time. And those in the E*trade commercial.

We hope that all of our dedicated readers (here’s lookin’ at you, KyKy) and those who like Cillian Murphy will understand our most serious decision. And respect our wishes. And send us presents.

Cheerio,

The Bees Knees

Solving Clues 4 & 5 from Alexandra Gordon on Vimeo.

Clue 1:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE DECIPHERED THE FIRST LINE OF YOUR SUPERMEXAFOXYAWESOME HOT BIRTHDAY RHYME. I’M SURE YOU HAVE QUESTIONS–WHAT IS THIS? WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT IT FOR? DID CHARLIE COX JUST WALK BY MY BEDROOM DOOR? WELL, I’LL TELL YOU THE RULES, I’LL LAY OUT THE PLAN; LIKE HARRY IREAKIN’ POTTER, YOU’RE THE MAN! SO ESTABAN AND RED-HEADED LEAGUE, THE TWO OF US, HID A LITTLE PRESENT ON DARTMOUTH CAMPUS. “WHERE IS IT?!” YOU ASK. YOU’LL HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT. WE’LL DROP A FEW HINTS–THEY’LL BE ROUNDABOUT. AT THE END OF THE WEEK, YOU’LL HAVE A STORY OF S AND THE GP, GOD, GOLD, AND GLORY! WE’LL MIX IN SOME JOKES, RASPBERRIES, AND AL LITTLE RHYME. YOU’LL HAVE 2/3 O A CUPCAKE AND 4/5 OF A HELLA GOOD TIME. JUST KEEP YOUR WITS SHARP, DECIPHER THE CODE (IT’LL CHANGE EACH TIME, WE DON’T WANT IT TO GET OLD), AND KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU, YOU FILL US WITH GLEE (LIKE DARREN CRISS). HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BROWN SUGAR–SOON YOU’LL BE TWENTY

Clue 2:

IN THE MIDST OF A SNOWSTORM, TWO PALS TOOK A TRAIN

UP TO DARTMOUTH (NORTH OF NEW YORK AND SOUTH OF MAINE).

THEY GOT OFF IN AN ODD TOWN- WHITE HAVEN BY NAME–

AND MET UP WITH ALEX GORDON, PIANIST BY FAME.

THEY TRAVELLED MANY PLACES WITH THIS SWEET FART;

MAYBE THE PRESENT IRR HIDDEN IN ONE OF THOSE PARTS

Clue 3:

OKAY, THAT WAS TOUGH-TOO VAGUE, NOT ENOUGH.

WE’LL GIVE ANOTHER CLUE SLIGHTLY LESS ROUGH.

IT’S NOT ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE JUSTIN BIEBER RESIDES,

NOR CAN IT BE FOUND OUTSIDE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK IN A MAGICAL PLACE

WHERE YOU FIND WARMTH AND HAPPINESS AND EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR FACE

Clue 4:

STILL DON’T HAVE IT? I GEUSS WE’VE HIJINXED A HIJACK.

IT’S WHERE WE STAYED WHEN YOU SAID, “I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.”

AFTER THE DINNER, BUT BEFORE THE MOVIE

–NOT THE ONE WITH TOTEMS AND DONUTS AND ARIADNE.

THERES PLENTY TO DRINK AND PLENTY TO PLAY.

THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE YOU WOULD HANG OUT WITH MU RAY.

Clue 5:

JESUS CHRIST! FIGURE IT OUT! IT’S NOT THAT ROUGH!

DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT NOT TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF!

GET YOUR DICK OUT OF YOUR EAR AND GO TO THE CAFE

WHERE YOU CAN GET FREE HOT CHOCOLATE AND A LATTE.

BTXLTK 7

I have two separate papers that I should be working on right now, but GOSH DARN IT it’s the Oscar’s, and that calls for a celebration! It’s time to party, it’s time to get crunk, and in like an hour and 15 minutes it’s time to walk to AZD and watch the most fabulous show in the history of shows. Let’s get it started.

OSCAR BALLOT: (as copied and pasted from wikipedia)

My pics have 3 stars next to them

For some of these, I literally had no fucking clue because I haven’t seen all/any of the films in the category, and therefore guessed based on the title/country of origin. You know how I do. CHRISTIAN BALE better fucking win because he is an outstanding actor. Natalie Portman probably will win because she’s pregnant, but how outstanding would it be if she lost and she went batshit insane. Or if Melissa Leo lost and just went crazy. She seems like the type. And even if I get all of these wrong, it doesn’t matter, cause my only competition is myself.

***************

Also going to add what my big, Anna, says.

ANNA SAYS: I’ve never liked Annette Bening’s worn.

House consensus is that Geoffrey Rush SEXTED someone. wonderful

****************************

\

oh thank you baby jesus, bale didn’t shave his beard! YES!!

*****************

Omg this is funny. they’re copying MTV Movie Awards.

Dance of the brown duck- so classy.

James Franco’s grandma is so cute

Where’s the DAAAD?

***************************

YAYAAYAY! Inception won!

ANNA SAYS: will someone give him some pot? (referring to James Franco)

I SAY: You want to give KIRK DOUGLAS some pot?

they need some subtitles up in this bitch

OMG KIRK DOUGLAS IS SO FUNNY!

erk. i don’t like melissa leo.

ANNA SAYS: Her dress looks like a cosy gone bad!

ANNA SAYS: is everyone on this oscars on crack? cause everyone sucks on stage

I’ve got some second hand embarrassment. KIRK DOUGLAS IS GRABBING HER BOOB! SHE TOOK HIS CANE!

*********************

Toy Story 3- well that wasn’t surprising.

WOOT I WIN!

inception should have gotten it. this is some bull shit

OMG I’M SO HAPPY THAT CHRISTIAN BALE WON! HE IS MY GOD!

*********************

OMG KEVIN SPACEY!!!! HE’S AMAZING AND FABULOUS AND RIGHT NOW IS A SPACEY FEST EXTRAVAGANZA!

aaaaw i lvoe Amy Adams’ dress! she is so purdy!

**************************

ok i think i’ve found my new ringtone: harry potter song, fb song, etc. excellent.

writing papers and doing this at the same time. sorry if my updates aren’t coming as quickly as they could. but papers on Knight of the Burning Pestle don’t write themselves!

her foundation doesn’t match her face!

NO ONE LIKES YOU GWYNETH PALTROW! OUT OF TUNE AS SHIT! where’s Kyla’s acapella group when you need it.

omg. i have lost all hope. the king’s speech was nice, but it wasn’t the best direction.

well i guess Natalie is going to win. let’s get ready for the crazy. SHE WASN’T EVEN THAT GOOD!

******************

COLIN FIRTH WINS! let’s watch Love Actually to celebrate!

king’s speech wins for best picture. not all that surprising, whatsoever, but a bit disappointing. this year had exciting and innovative films such as Inception and The Social Network, but as usual, Hollywood went for the period peace.

“In the meantime, I suppose we should be planning the rest of our stay in Godric’s Hollow.  We’ll have to stay put for the next two days until I have my baby,” Hermione started breathing heavily, “but I plan… for a fast… recovery…” And then she passed out.
Harry walked over to where Hermione lay on the ground.  “We sure do make an interesting group, don’t we?  You’re pregnant, Ron’s a vampire, and I’m an internationally celebrated character of children’s literature.”  He sighed and knelt next to Hermione’s side.  “It’s time to wake up, Hermione,” and he gently slapped her on the face.

************************************************************************

And here are some bits from Chapter 16 that I am enjoying quite a bit at the moment while sipping my chamomile tea.

Fleur only made French food. Fleur and Vampire Bill were talking animatedly about something boring, like pants or something.  Or maybe the composition of jello.

************************************************************************

I have no idea why the font gets all crazy here, but this part is fucking genius.  Almost like someone originally wrote it for a script for an AP English class about Meurseult wanting to murder everyone at a dinner party…

“NO!  I could kill you right now if I wanted to, but I won’t. This is rubbish! This whole thing is rubbish!” Hermione looked confused, and also slightly frightened. “Nothing matters! You are so certain of everything, aren’t you! But all your certainties aren’t worth one hair of a woman’s head!” Again, Hermione looked slightly confused.

“Ron, what do you mean? What am I so certain about?” she asked. At this point, Hermione, Harry, and Stephen had crowded together in the corner of the room in fear of Ron’s terrifying speech abilities and intelligence.

“You’re not even sure if you’re alive because you’re living like dead men! But I’m sure about me. About everything. Sure of my life and my death that awaits me. Surer than you can ever be. I guess that’s all I have. But at least I have as much a hold on it has it as on me.” At this point, everyone was more confused than scared. The confused to scared ratio was about 5:2. Was Ron going to die?

“I have been right, I am right, and I will always be right,” Ron continued. “I have lived my life one way. I could have just as well as lived it another. And so, it’s as if i have waited all this time for this moment. Nothing matters. And I know why. And so do you.

“What do other people’s deaths matter when we’re all elected by the same fate? What does god matter? Can’t you see? Everyone will be condemned one day. Can’t all you condemned men see that?!” There was a short silence. “Obviously not, and so I’m just going to walk away, leaving you two to your animal tendencies, silently hoping and praying every day that he’ll hurt you.  This is how the world ends, I suppose.  Not with a bang, but a whimper.”

“You’re leaving?” asked Hermione with a small voice, almost a whisper.  Stephen was grinning.

“No.  I’m just going upstairs to sulk and listen to some Carly Simon, but just know that I would leave if we weren’t on an incredibly important mission because I never want to see your faces again. Just let me know when dinner’s ready.”  With that, Ron left the room and went upstairs.

*****************************************************************************************

Hermione looked astonished by Stephen’s rudeness, and promptly responded, “Stephen, you are quite lazy. You just sit around all day, mumbling angrily and writing one or two words on scraps of paper. You can’t expect me to believe that what you’re doing actually constitutes as work!”

“What is this?!” shrieked Stephen. “You all always try to undermine me just because I can’t do as much magic as ‘the golden trio’! I should smack you!” There seems to be so much confusion in Shell Cottage today. Hermione never mentioned the fact that Stephen couldn’t do magic, but whatever. Stephen’s gonna be Stephen, and shit’s gonna happen.

Harry, once again, trying to cool down the heat-filled situation, said to Stephen, “Um…She didn’t say lazy. She meant to say that you’re quite…a maze.”

Hermione caught on, and joined in on Harry’s plan, “A maze of emotions.”

Harry continued,”Yeah. You’re a…maze. Amazing.” Stephen looked happy, and was about to hand Harry the plate of croissants, when Hermione said, “Amazing…ly…lazy.” Stephen was not happy.

*************************************************************************************

Hermione,” he said, almost gasping in shock, “how could you?  Stephen is Sirius’ cousin!  And Sirius is my godfather, and you’re practically my sister!  This is like… incest!”

Hermione jumped off of Stephen, startled, but Stephen simply smiled.  “Well, you know what they say.  Incest is a game the whole family can play.”

**************************************************************************************

For full appreciation of this excerpt, see this link: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1895642

Harry turned to him and grabbed the alethiometer out of his hands.  “I want to throw this compass so that it hits right in between your eyes,” Harry said stiffly through clenched teeth.

“Oh that’s weird,” said Stephen, “because that’s the exact opposite of what I want to happen.”

“Well opposites attract,” said Harry, raising the compass.

“That doesn’t make sense here,” said Stephen.

“I don’t think I’m explaining myself correctly,” said Harry.  “What I mean is that I want to chuck this at your head and then throttle you until you die.”

“Well maybe you should consult Ron about this, because it doesn’t look like he wants you to use his compass to destroy the world’s greatest genius either.”  Harry looked at Ron’s face for the first time since they had entered the room.  He wasn’t paying Stephen or Harry any attention whatsoever.  He was staring at Hermione and had the saddest puppy dog eyes Harry had ever seen.

“You were the one bright spot in my otherwise dismal life,” he said finally.

Stephen was an artist, he was a wizard, and his name was Stephen fucking Dedalus- of course he would be successful in the end!  But he had a few things standing in his way.
Primarily there was the issue of her cat.  Stephen didn’t care much for cats, and somehow Crookshanks seemed to be everywhere, lurking in the corners, watching him…  And of course there was the whole Ron-pregnancy-baby-vampire situation.  But soon Hermione would see the light.  Sure, Ron ran like a gazelle and looked like Rupert Grint, but he screamed like a girl.  Admittedly a very sexy little girl, Stephen thought, but Hermione was no lesbian.  Yes, with a little bit of spellwork he was sure to get the girl of his dreams.  Now the only problem was learning the magic…

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I was about to go make myself a cup of joe. Would you like me to bring you some, Hermione?” With that last question Stephen gave Hermione an extremely strange look.  He meant it to be the kind of look that said, “I may be offering you coffee, but you can have a lot more than coffee, if you know what I mean,” but instead he looked slightly constipated, and out of sympathy for his uncomfortableness, Hermione said that she would love a cup of coffee, as well as any other delicious treats that Stephen might be able to cook up in the kitchen.  This may have been interpreted incorrectly by Stephen, because he left the room with such a bounce in his step that one might think he was walking on the moon.

“Good,” said Harry.  “So basically, we need your help.  Now Stephen, take a moment, and just think very very hard about yourself, and try to see if you can come up with any reason whatsoever of why you might be of some importance to the rest of the universe.”

Stephen sat back in his chair, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.  Harry and Hermione waited.  And waited.  …  He opened his eyes.  “You two are bumbling idiots,” he said.  “Haven’t I made it perfectly clear that I am an artist?  And I’m not talking about pussies like Michelangelo or Picasso or whatever, I mean I am a true genius.  And when I say genius I don’t mean genius like those wannabes Albert Einstein or Steve Jobs, I mean I am a real intellectual.  And if you two had brains half the size of mine you would know that the power that is exerted from my mind provides critical support for the mere existence of mankind, and therefore, I am clearly ‘of some importance to the rest of the universe.’”